Selfishness isn't always a bad thing

In trying to grasp the new freedom that I'm now experiencing, I compiled the following list.

Why being single and unattached is a good thing:

1. I have the bed all to myself!

2. I get to come and go as I please.

3. I can spend more time with the people that i care about the most.

4. Other than God, i don't have to answer to anybody. I have options!

5. Within responsible limits, I can spend my money however I see fit.

6. I am now driving the car I really want and I can put whatever bumper and window stickers on it that I want.

6. If the mood strikes me, I can eat ice cream for dinner.

7. I can pursue my passions to my heart's content.

8. I can decorate my home however I please.

9. I can go out with a different friend of the opposite sex every night of the week if I want.

10. I have been able to find a church that I truly love and want to be an active part of.

11. I can watch whatever I want on TV.

12. In the car, I can listen to whatever kind of music I want to.

13. Seeing as I live by myself, I don't have to worry about anybody leaving the toilet seat up!

As I was going through my divorce, my therapist advised me not to do any serious dating for at least a year. In a way, it does seem a bit restrictive, but it is actually very wise. While I came through my divorce fairly unscathed, I still need time to get my bearings back. I'm not the same person I was before I got married. I need time to just relax and have fun. I need time to restablish what matters to me the most. I just need time to be me. In this case, a bit of selfishness isn't a bad thing.

Yes, I still hold on to the dream that I will get a second chance at love. By choosing selfishness for right now, I'll be a better partner for whomever God may have in mind for me down the road. If I get married again, I want to marry someone who is truly my best friend. Those kind of things just can't be rushed. In the meantime, I seek to learn what it means to be truly content and to make the most of this season in my life.

Out with the old and in with the new...

I have been rather busy over the last couple of weeks so there really hasn't been time for another blog entry until now. A lot is happening right now in my world and I do want to share at least some of it with you.

One thing that I have been doing a lot of is cleaning out and getting rid of stuff that I don't want or need anymore. A lof of this was stuff that was given to me and the now-ex as wedding gifts and other stuff that reminds me of the marriage that really doesn't have a place in my new life. I filled up the back end of my new-to-me small SUV, plus part of the back seat. It felt good to rid myself of these things I didn't need anymore, plus I was able to support a local charity who does a lot of good in my community.

Upon the suggestion of a couple of friends, I mailed my wedding dress off to an organization called Angel Gowns. They take these dresses and reconstruct them into beautiful burial gowns for newborns who unfortunately don't get to come home from the hospital with their families.

The next question was what to do with my engagement, wedding, and anniversary bands, as well as some other nice jewelry that the ex and his family had given to me in the course of our relationship. Well, I wound up taking it to a local jewelry store, and along with some added money, I got this:

To me, the diamond solitare represents my new beginning. It is simple. Nothing else is needed for the diamond to stand out on it's own. It is beautiful in it's own right.

Dusting off a dream

It seems that I'm now really starting to notice God's movement in my life almost every day and it continues to blow my mind!

Over the weekend, I had 2 separate conversations with some fellow Christians that got me to really thinking about what I really want in life. As a result, I feel that I'm being led to pull a dream I've had for years, but haven't been able to fulfill, off the shelf of lost causes.

Like most women, I've longed to have a husband and family of my own since I was a little girl. I did manage to get the husband, but not the family I had hoped for. When the now-ex and I decided to get married, we agreed that we would wait 2-3 years before starting our family. The time came and the ex announces that due to the declining state of the world, he doesn't want to being any kids into it. While disappointed, I accepted it and sought to create a fulfilling life, lavishing my nurturing and maternal instincts onto our fur children. As the marriage continued on, the problems kept piling up and the truth about the issue came out. Apparently, the ex had decided that there were some things about me that had concerned him about my ability to be a good mother to any children that we might have. By that point, I was feeling the same way about him.I didn't want to bring a child into the dysfunction that was our marriage.

Then we divorced....

I remember talking with my lawyer about the issues with my marriage and had expressed my disappointment in never being in a good position to start the family I had always wanted. She encouraged me, saying that even at my age, it still wasn't too late. I am past prime childbearing age, so I dismissed it as something that I would most likely not get to experience. I mean, my plans for a family involved needing to meet Mr. Right and marrying him, which was not likely to happen anytime soon. Never mind the kids, I would be thrilled just to eventually connect with Mr. Right.

Fast forward to last weekend...

While I won't go into the details of the conversations I had with my friends, the tone of these conversations set off something in me. Add to that, my Pastor has been encouraging our congregation to pray big, bold prayers and to do big, bold things for God.  Why not take my dream of having the great husband and being a stay-at-home mom off the shelf of lost causes, dust it off, and give it to God to do what He sees fit to do with it? I have never done anything like this before in my Christian walk so to deciding to trust God in this way is a pretty bold move for me. Sure, there's always the possibility that God may not make my dreams come true, but replace them with different dreams. At the same time, what if He does agree with me and make the seemingly impossible happen? I wouldn't want to miss out on that simply because I wasn't bold enough to ask Him in the first place.

Yes, I am laying it out there! I would love to have an absolutely awesome husband, kids, and be able to be a stay-at-home mom to them. The white picket fence is optional. :-P

Friends, I encourage you to dream big and pray big and to know that our God, who had the power to raise Christ from the dead, is perfectly capable of making those dreams come true. You just have to ask and to trust.

*************************************************

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” (Mark 10:27 NIV)

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. (Psalm 40:1 NIV)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

A Fresh Start

You could say that my fresh start began on Thanksgiving Day last year when I made the decision to end my marriage. Removing my wedding band, telling him of my intentions, moving out, filing for divorce, the final hearing, and getting the papers that made it official were all milestones in that process.

This week, more things in the process have fallen into place. Earlier this week, the ex closed on the refinancing of the house that we once shared. Part of our divorce agreement stipulated that we were to split any equity from the house in half. I was in attendance to sign off on a couple of documents related to that. That action severed the last of the financial ties that I had with him. What a relief!

Thanks to some help from my mom, I was finally able to put together a real budget and get a clearer picture of my financial situation. Knowing exactly what I could afford, I was able to trade my 11 year-old car (which I had driven for 9 years) for a gently used small SUV, which I absolutely love! Everything went so smoothly with that that I'm convinced that God was at work in that.

Later on in the week, I got my house money and I'm proud to say that i am now credit-card debt free!! In addition to picking up a couple of toys for myself, I decided to order some new furniture for my apartment. I had already ordered a new TV stand for the new TV I will be getting in the near future, but I decided that I wanted to pick up a couple of matching end tables and a closed storage cabinet to hold a lot of my hobby-related stuff.

As for the furniture, it wasn't like I really NEEDED it, as I have perfectly functional furniture that it will be replacing. It's more out of a psychological need than anything. It's simply part of the fresh start process--out with the old and in with the new. There are a few more pieces that I'd like to replace and a few more that I'll hang on to either because they're family antiques or I simply like them too much to let them go at this point. I want my home to reflect my personal taste now and not simply be a hodge-podge of items left over from a failed marriage.

Onward and upward!

ISO...a special friend

If you haven't already figured it out, despite my not-so-good marriage experience, I haven't lost hope that I will eventually find the special guy that God intends me to be with. Ultimately, I want someone who love me in the way that I need to be loved and who will let me love him in the way that he needs to be loved. I want to do this right, trusting God and my gut-instinct in making decisions related to whom I get involved with and at what level I get involved at. I didn't do this the first time and look what happened. Thank goodness for God and His grace and willingness to give all of us second chances.

While I'm not ready for a full-on romantic commitment, I am looking for a special guy to have a close friendship with--really, a best friend. We would love each other as best friends do and hang out and do the things that best friends do. We would have each other's back and be each other's confidant. While I have my close girlfriends, there is nothing like having a close guy friend and being able to get his perspective on things. I've had those type of friendships in the past and I miss them.

As for the kind of special guy that I want, I'm looking for someone who is seeking God first and foremost. If he's doing that, then most other things will fall into place in the way of his values. Besides our common faith, we need to have some things in common. He needs to like to dance (or be willing to learn), enjoy being outside, and be a creative type, whether it be in the visual or performing arts. There needs to be a certain chemistry there, one that could possibly develop into something more than just a friendship later.

Lord, I am patiently waiting on You to send this special friend to me. :)

It's complicated...not really!

Just recently, I went to my doctor for a long-overdue checkup (for which I got a clean bill of health, thankfully). I was chatting with the nurse practitioner about my recent divorce and related things when she asked me whether or not I was sexually active. I replied that I wasn't and went on to say,

"Sex complicates things."

Being the card-carrying Christian that I am, I could've launched into a spiel about how it's wrong in God's eyes and how I didn't want to displease God in that way.

I would say that for the vast majority of you, you're already aware of that. Have you ever thought about why God takes such a strong stand on this issue? Sex is not just a physical activity, but an emotional and spiritual bonding meant to be shared between two people who desire to be together for life. If this bond is created too early in a relationship, it really does complicate things, especially if you decide to split up later. If you've got that bond, breaking up becomes harder than it has to be, no matter how wrong that other person may be for you.

There's also the issue of self-respect. I don't know about you, but I want to wake up in the morning, look at myself in the mirror, and be able to respect myself--no guilt, no shame. I don't want to worry about getting pregnant or a STD.

It all boils down to simplicity. God put these commands into place not to frustrate us, but to simplify things for us. Without having that burden on our backs, we have more freedom to love and serve Him and other people, which is what He wants us to be doing, anyway. Why complicate it?

With that being said, I don't see myself staying single for the rest of my life. I believe that God is in the process of preparing Mr. Right for me and at just the right time, the Almighty will reveal him to me. In the meantime, I am busy growing in my relationship with God, receiving His blessings, and preparing myself for that eventuality. When that happens, I'll know it, he'll know it, and God will bless us for it.

For those of you who are more visual-type learners, here is a simple diagram of where I stand on the issue:

God Bless!

Love is the best medicine

I love Facebook! I think it has been one of the things that has kept me sane throughout the divorce process and beyond. Not only do I connect with friends, I see lots of inspiring messages like this one that really struck me enough that I had to share it here.

Obviously, this quote is referring to the power of a romantic relationship. In that context, I totally agree with it when you're with a person who is right for you. I've also personally seen the power of this message in the context of platonic friendships.

Regardless of the type of relationship, I see the love that goes into those wounds as medicine for the soul. In the physical sense, the medicine itself doesn't heal the wounds, but assists the body in healing itself. It's no different when it comes to wounds of the heart and soul. Ultimately, the healing comes from within and above, but when friends and loved ones fill those psychic wounds with the medicine of their love, the healing process will be an easier one.

Don't be afraid to reach out to the hurting friend. Your love and support may be just the medicine that they need to get through their tough times. If you're the one who's hurting, don't be afraid to reach out to your friends. Chances are, they've got the God-given medicine you need to help you heal.

What really matters to you?

When it comes to love, there are times where I get frustrated--really frustrated. I'm not just talking about romantic love, but relationships with friends and family. I have a lot of love to give and I'm longing for some deep soul-level unconditional relationships, but most people seem to be too busy to care that much. Perhaps that's why I stayed in my marriage (despite the obvious major dysfunction) as long as I did. At least the ex did care as much as he could. With that being said, I have no desire to resurrect that relationship because of it's level of dysfunction.

With that, I realize that nobody's perfect. I don't expect perfection. I just want my closest friends to be loyal, trustworthy, and willing to invest the time necessary to build great friendships. Sometimes that involves a sacrifice. Sometimes, your to-do list may get put on the back burner in order to spend time with a friend who is having a really bad day (or season in life) and needs an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on, and lots of encouraging words. Those other things will eventually get done. 

What really matters more?

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." (1 John 4:7, 8 NIV)

Nothing to be sorry for

I've been told by a person close to me that I shouldn't be gloating over my divorce and the newfound freedom and happiness that it has brought me, especially in the arena of social media. This person was concerned about how my ex would handle it and that perhaps he would give me a hard time about it. There's also the issue of my other friends who are currently going through it or have been though it who haven't had such positive experiences with it who might not react so positively to my experiences.

As for the ex, he has distanced himself from social media since the divorce, but I still keep in contact with some of his family and friends by that means. Obviously, there's always a small chance that information could be filtered to him via them. That's where I'm especially thankful that he and I on friendly terms. Whatever good things come his way, I am genuinely happy for him; I believe he shares the same sentiment for me.

As for my friends, I am sensitive to where they are in their respective journeys. I will rejoice with them when they're rejoicing and I will cry with them when they're crying. It doesn't depend on my state of mind at the moment. Hopefully, they'll have the same attitude. Our stories are different, but I've probably experienced what they're feeling, good or bad, at some point and can relate. Regardless, I will love them unconditionally and stand with them whatever they're going through.

I really feel that there is no need to apologize for being happy and my enthusiasm in sharing my newfound happiness and joy with the world. God has blessed me a great deal! For those of you who are really struggling right now with the fallout of your divorce or impending divorce, please know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that you will be happy again sooner or later (hopefully sooner). My heart goes out to you and if you happen to know me personally, my shoulder is here for you to cry on.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:15 NIV)

I gotta be me!

One of the most painful realizations I made in the course of my marriage was that it didn't allow me the freedom to be who I am. I was constantly worried about saying or doing something that would displease my husband and prove to him that I simply wasn't good enough. A lot of the time, I walked on eggshells and I put up and shut up. I did it so much that it drained me both emotionally and spiritually until I had no more left to give.

Once I got out of that situation, the drainage stopped and my spirit started filling back up!

I am determined not to allow myself to get back into that kind of a situation again. Letting me be who God made me to be is an essential component of any friendships and romantic interests in my life. Real friends accept that I'm not perfect and love me in spite of it. They appreciate the eccentricities and other unique things that make me who I am. They encourage me to grow in my weaknesses, but they don't expect me to change just to please them.

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." (Romans 15:7 NIV)

You don't always get what you want...

...but you get what you need!

Back just before Thanksgiving of last year, I got a Tweet from an old friend that I hadn't seen or talked to in 18+ years. We had originally met when I first started graduate school and started attending the same church that he was attending. It was instant attraction on both ends. We did eventually go out on a single date that was a total disaster. Despite that, we managed to be friends for the duration of my time in graduate school and went our separate ways after I left school a couple of years later.

That series of Tweets between me and him flipped a switch in me. At that point, I was already questioning how much longer I could stay in my unhappy marriage, but the way he treated me with such love and respect changed the course of my life in rapid fashion. I knew I could do better! I had come to the reality that I really wasn't getting what I needed emotionally or spiritually from the marriage I was in. The writing was on the wall. It was time for me to move on.

For a while, I thought I would be moving on with him. The mutual attraction was still there, but there was a problem; he was gravely ill and getting worse. He didn't (and still doesn't) know how much longer he'll even live. As much as we both wanted it, we had to come to accept that, short of a miracle healing, this wasn't going to work. On my end, at least, it wasn't an easy pill to swallow.

He has been a wonderful source of support in my journey through the divorce process and reestablishing myself as a wiser, more capable, and more confident single person. For that, I will be eternally grateful both to him and to God for reconnecting us at just the right time. It didn't turn out how I thought it would, but God knew exactly what I needed and that's what I got.

Happy 40th birthday, my friend! May God continue to bless and keep you always.  :)

Life is Tough, but Love is Stronger

http://youtu.be/mZuWbA2LnlE

You went down one of those roads 
Nobody should have to go, 
Life sure got real, real fast. 
You couldn't see your way out 
Your world was under a cloud 
All you could feel was helpless.

You didn't think you could do it, 
Oh but you got through it.

You kept faith when you didn't have a prayer 
Found hope when it wasn't even there 
Up against the impossible you just wouldn't back down
You kept fighting. 
That heavy cross you carried 
Ain't weighin' you down any longer
Life is tough, but love is stronger. 

You're finally facing the sun, 
Your brighter days have begun 
Look at you now, just soakin' it in. 

You're smiling, you're laughing 
You're happy, you're living 
Every moment surrounded by 
All the beautiful reasons why. 

You kept faith when you didn't have a prayer 
Found hope when it wasn't even there 
Up against the impossible you just wouldn't back down
You kept fighting. 
That heavy cross you carried 
Ain't weighin' you down any longer
Life is tough, but love is stronger. 

You kept faith when you didn't have a prayer 
Found hope when it wasn't even there 
Up against the impossible you just wouldn't back down
You kept fighting. 
That heavy cross you carried 
Ain't weighin' you down any longer
Life is tough,So tough, but love is stronger. 
Oh yeah. 
Loverr is stronger. 
Oh yes it is now. 

--Jason Crabb

This is one of my favorite songs right now. I think it's a pretty good description of my feelings over the past several months. In this context, i'm not talking about romantic love, but self-love and respect. I respected myself too much to stay put where I was, so as hard as it was, I made the necessary changes and I'm now a lot happier. With my faith in God to work things out in my best interest, I got the necessary strength to make my move.

If you're stuck in a hopeless situation, I hope you will be encouraged. :)

God: I got this!

Once again tonight, I'm at home with the cats watching TV and knitting and still really craving some human companionship. For whatever reason, this is really unsettling me. As crazy as it sounds, I've got this fear of being alone like this forever. I understand why people in my situation get desperate and wind up making bad choices in the people they choose to spend time with. I've been there, done that and I don't want to be in that boat again...yet those same feelings are still there.

How I deal with them constructively is the question that needs to be answered. With God on my side, I know that he knows my hopes, dreams, and desires. He sees the big picture and knows exactly what I need. I just have to trust that He's working behind the scenes to ultimately bless me in a way that I could never imagine and that it's simply going to take some time for those plans to unfold. I suspect that He wants to totally blow my mind! I just have to be patient and trust.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."(Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. ... For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34 NIV)

To put it in a nutshell, what God is really trying to say is:

"Trust me! I got this!"

Sometimes I surprise myself...

As I was spending a quiet evening at home tonight, something occurred to me. I really wanted to be with people!

For many of you, this is considered normal and you would be concerned only if found yourself not wanting to be with friends and loved ones. Being the natural introvert that I am, this is something worth noting. For a long time, once I got home from work, I didn't want to see anybody. Now the tide is turning! I now want to spend more time with friends; I wouldn't even mind doing some dating (more on that in future posts).

I currently have church on Sundays, singles' Bible study on Mondays, and dance on Wednesday nights, yet I still want even more interaction. This is weird (in a good way). The best explanation I can come up with is that it's a part of my emotional and spiritual healing, orchestrated by the Almighty.

YAYY GOD! :)

What's with the 2.0?

I've been doing a lot of clothes shopping lately. It first started when after filing for the divorce, I realized that I didn't have anything suitable to wear to the divorce hearing. I went online and ordered a new dress. I realized that, after being in a marriage that nearly drained me emotionally and spiritually, I wanted to be pretty again! Along came more pretty clothes, shoes, and new makeup! I figured that since I do eventually want to start dating again and give romance a second chance, I needed to put a little more effort into my looks.

One day, it dawned on me that essentially what I've been creating is Heather 2.0, building upon a good thing and making it even better! It's not simply a physical change, but an emotional and spiritual evolution. This ongoing evolution has been amazing, scary, and fun all athe same time. It has involved a lot of faith and courage. It is starting to pay off, as it's been a long time since I've had this much joy and hope in my life. God is good--really good!

Intro!

Hello!

I am Heather and I am in my early 40s and recently divorced. With the encouragement of some friends, I decided to start this blog to chronicle my adventures as a newly single-again person. It has definitely been an adventure, thus far!

Before coming to this point, I was married for nearly 14 years to someone who I still count as a dear friend, but probably shouldn't have married to begin with. Before I go any further, I will stress that this will not be a forum for bashing him. Both of us are imperfect human beings, covered by the grace of God. Of course, he will come up in future posts, simply so you will be able to understand my story better.

A little more about me--I work as a librarian. Outside of that, I enjoy knitting spinning (making yarn!), photography, the outdoors, and most recently, dancing (specifically West Coast Swing and other partner dances). I am a Christian and actively involved in my local church. I am a kitty momma to Miss Kitty, a Tortie, and Ringo, an orange tabby. Obviously, I never lack for anything to do!

I've learned so much about myself in the past several months and I very much look forward to sharing it with you. I hope that you will be encouraged and uplifted by my words. :)